I had another sobering experience on this journey into medical school today... it seems like there have been lots of those. My days at this point waiver between absolute thankfulness that God would put me in this place, to feeling like its all some sort of a dream that I'll wake up from and be disappointed again at not making the cut, to the sobering reality of how much exactly this journey costs emotionally and financially.
Today we received our required text book list. 37... 37 is the number of total required texts for my first SEMESTER of medical school. We aren't talking about light and fluffy 15 page manuals... we're talking about 37 400-800 page highly technical text books. I can't imagine 37 textbooks. I can't imagine reading through 37 textbooks in one semester... Goodness 37 textbooks, in case we didn't know this already medical school is going to be really, really hard... even if the subject matter is not that challenging the sheer volume of information is going to pose challenges all its own. Not only is that a lot of books, but if you've ever taken a science class you might realize that it's also a very expensive thing. 37 textbooks ranging in price from $45 used - $218 used. 37 has become the new number that I'm fixated on. The exact price of this new number that's dominating my life $1,352.98 not including shipping. To think I scoffed when I saw they gave us $3,500 a year for books in our financial aide.
The challenge now is that financial aide doesn't come in until the second week of school, and foolish me thought $800 would be an appropriate amount to save for books my first semester... if I wait until my financial aide comes in to order the books and then wait another two weeks for the books to be shipped to me I'll end up going an entire month or so without my required texts... and yet... I'm just not sure where on earth $1,352.98 is going to come from the week before we pack up and move everything we own from Texas to California. There is some talk floating around from current students that you don't really need all the books they recommend... but nobody can provide a specific list of books they actually used as a first year. I've emailed the school to ask them to narrow it down to the texts we must have the first few weeks of class and those we can order later, but I haven't heard back from them.
For now I'm reminding myself that I really do believe this is where God wants me, and if I really believe that then I have to believe that He knows my needs better than I do... and that all will be provided... for now though, my mind is stuck on repeat... 37, 37, 37, 37, 37...
"Let us see that we keep God before our eyes; that we walk in His ways and seek to please and glorify Him in everything, great and small. Depend upon it, God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies." ~Hudson Taylor
|"And Peter . . . walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid." Matthew 14:29-30|
The wind was actually boisterous, the waves were actually high, but Peter did not see them at first. He did not reckon with them, he simply recognized his Lord and stepped out in recognition of Him, and walked on the water. Then he began to reckon with the actual things, and down he went instantly. Why could not our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves as well as on the top of them? Neither could be done saving by recognition of the Lord Jesus.
We step right out on God over some things, then self-consideration enters in and down we go. If you are recognizing your Lord, you have no business with where He engineers your circumstances. The actual things are, but immediately you look at them you are overwhelmed, you cannot recognize Jesus, and the rebuke comes: "Wherefore didst thou doubt?" Let actual circumstances be what they may, keep recognizing Jesus, maintain complete reliance on Him.
If you debate for a second when God has spoken, it is all up. Never begin to say - "Well, I wonder if He did speak?" Be reckless immediately, fling it all out on Him. You do not know when His voice will come, but whenever the realization of God comes in the faintest way imaginable, recklessly abandon. It is only by abandon that you recognize Him. You will only realize His voice more clearly by recklessness.
~Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest